(Ok, so this is normally not my cup o' tea but it was too funny not to post. I got it in my email this morning and nearly died laughing.)

HOW TO POOP AT WORK...

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following this Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

*CROP DUSTING* When farting, you walk really fast around the office sothe smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, butdoesn't know where it came from.Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has beenexpelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left yourpants.

*FLY BY* The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in thebathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENTFLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly goinginto the bathroom.

*ESCAPEE* A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop ina stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment..If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did nothappen. If you are a man and are standing next to the farter in theurinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It isuncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes bothparties feel uneasy.

*JAILBREAK* When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gunpace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover If thisshould happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has leftthe bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

*COURTESY FLUSH* The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poophits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has tostink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing theWALK OF SHAME .

*WALK OF SHAME* Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door afteryou have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortablemoment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best topretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use ofthe COURTESY FLUSH.

*OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER* A colleague who poops at work and is doggoneproud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter thebathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always lookaround the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering thebathroom.

*THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)* A group of co-workers who bandtogether to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. Thisgroup can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The ClosetPoopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.*SAFE HAVENS* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where youcan least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of theopposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex enteringthe bathroom.

*TURD BURGLAR* Someone who does not realize that you are in the stalland tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking andvulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If thisoccurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way youwill avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

*CAMO-COUGH* A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into thebathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up aWATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective whenused in conjunction with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE .

*SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potentialTurd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubtthat the stall is occupied. If you hear a SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave thebathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

*WATERMELON* A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toiletwater. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermeloncoming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

*HAVANA-OMELET* A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loudsplashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try usinga CAMO-COUGH with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.

*AUNT BETTY* A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever...Couldspend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on thepot. An AUNT BETTY makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, asyou should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefitsyou as well as the other bathroom attendees.

SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF...

The King Poop = This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. Itdoesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple fromstraining so hard.

Bali Belly Poop = You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.

Cement Block = You wish you'd gotten a spinal block be fore you poop.

Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop) = Even after the third flush,it's still floating in there. How do I get rid of it? This poop usuallyhappens at someone else's house.

The Bungee Poop = The kind of poop that just hangs off your rear beforeit falls into the water.

The Crippler = The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet solong your legs go numb from the waist down.

The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang = The kind of poop that hits you when you'retrapped in your car in a traffic jam.

The Party Pooper = The giant poop you take at a party And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.

NOW EVERYONE TRY TO GO POOP IN PEACE. QUIT LAUGHING... POOPING IS A NATURAL PROCESS

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